


Not Missing but Missing

by rangerkier



Category: BomBARDed (Podcast)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:18:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17005854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rangerkier/pseuds/rangerkier
Summary: Bardvent Day 12: Up on the Rooftop, and Day 14: Fireside ChatsRaz'ul loses track of time thinking about some things. Tabitha reassures him.





	Not Missing but Missing

Raz’ul wasn’t missing. 

Sure, he wasn’t in their dorm room, or the lounge down the hall, and he hadn’t told them where he was going, and he wasn’t answering his Ira Glass.

But he wasn’t missing.

 

He was standing alone on the large deck high up on the school, only a few peaks of the roof rising above him now. He hadn’t known where he was going to end up when he left, and beside that, he had wanted to sneak out, so he hadn’t brought his coat with him. But he was a dwarf and he lived for the snow and the cold and the ice. So only having his sweater against the bitter winter wind wasn’t a bother to him. 

They had already had this conversation months ago, shortly after they’d returned from Basom. None of them really had a home, not anymore. But, for the time being, Strumlott’s was their home. They had each other, Chaos Sauce and Splash.

So why was he homesick?

Where he was now, on the deck, exposed to the cold wind with the rest of the world far below him, it might not be making that feeling any better. But, at the same time, it somehow did. How could something make him feel both worse and better all in one go? That was why they had the word bittersweet, he supposed. 

It reminded him of some of the nooks and crannies around Udalloli. There were several small decks, built into the mountain side, that one could access to look out at the world beyond. At the sun and the clouds during the day and the stars, moon, and the Aurora Borealis at night. 

The Aurora Borealis didn’t reach down here.

But all the same, as he stood against the wind looking up at the stars, it felt similar. There had been nights that he and his brothers would get their hands on a large container of some hot drink, milk or tea or cider, and carry it up to one of those balconies. They would spend the night sitting together, watching the lights and just hanging out. They would talk and complain about princely duties and tell jokes and stories. The best stories came when the triplets would bounce the narration around between the three of them, feeding off each others ideas. 

But now he was alone, years and miles away from all that. And he missed it, he missed his brothers and the mountain. He knew he had plenty to complain about when he was there, his brothers’ pranks and the duties and expectations that were placed on him. But right now none of that seemed that bad. And he would gladly accept the trade off to be watching snowflakes fall into his mug of mulled cider as he listened to his brothers weave some uncanny tale.

 

Tabitha looked down at Raz’ul with concern. She had found him on the rooftop balcony that she went to to stargaze sometimes, especially when the snow made in difficult to trek out into the field. But it was still outdoors, exposed to the elements and the cold. Raz’ul seemed to think he was invulnerable to the cold but it didn’t stop her from worrying when she saw that he had no coat, no gloves, just his sweater. She had thought that maybe, if he hadn’t been out there very long, he’d be fine, but when she questioned him he shrugged and started shivering. She didn’t think she had ever seen him shiver. 

She had put her hand on his shoulder, trying to check on him, and could feel the chill that had been permeating his entire being. She had quickly removed her scarf and wrapped it around him, trying to chase the cold away. Then she gently led him inside, forgetting her plans of stargazing for the evening. 

She thought she should bring him back to his dorm, to his bandmates. But when he realized that was her plan, he became resistant. Though he said nothing, as he had the whole time, he stopped moving as easily, not allowing himself to be brought home. 

“What if we just go sit in the lounge for a bit?” Tabitha asked. It involved going in the same direction as they’d go to get to Chaos Sauce’s room, so she wanted to make sure he knew that she wasn’t going to take him there if he really didn’t want to. Raz’ul nodded and resumed easily following along beside her. 

And now he was sitting in one of the large, comfortable lounge chairs, placed close to the fire that warmed the room, his arms wrapped around himself. Tabitha sat down opposite him, not sure he wanted her to stay around, but not wanting to leave him alone right now. 

“Seriously, how long were you out there?” she had already asked him that and not gotten an answer.

Like last time, Raz’ul only shrugged. She supposed he had been out there for a long time, long enough that he was still recovering from the cold, and that was as much as it really mattered.

“What were you doing?”

“Thinking,” Raz’ul shrugged again, but at least he said the one word.

“You couldn’t have brought your coat if you were going to think on the deck?”

“I… didn’t really know where I’d end up. Just had to get away for a bit and snuck out.”

Get away from what, she wondered. Chaos Sauce, his friends? She supposed everyone needed space from time to time, it didn’t necessarily mean anything was wrong. But still… “Are you okay?”

Her scarf was still wrapped around him, but he had pulled it down to uncover his face when he spoke, so she could see him smile softly. “Just gotta get warmed up, I’ll be fine. Musta been out there longer than I realized.”

“Well that’s good, but I meant…” how did she say this? Would he think she was prying and get upset? They didn’t know each other all that well, after all. “Mentally, I guess? Just, if you were thinking and had to get away…” she trailed off, now really unsure how to end that sentence. 

“I-” Raz’ul hadn’t really been looking directly at her, but now he looked more towards the floor. “You won’t tell anyone? Yashee, or Randy or Splash?”

“Of course not, not without your permission.”

“I’m… homesick? But like. Strumlott’s is kind of my home now? And Chaos Sauce and Splash are like my family? So. I shouldn’t be, right? Why am I feeling homesick when I have so much great stuff and people right here? I don’t want them to know and think that I like. don’t appreciate them? Cause I do, but-”

He was rambling, as she knew he was wont to do. But he cut off relatively suddenly and looked at the fire, at the waving and crackling flames.

“You’re allowed to appreciate what you have and still miss what you’ve lost. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive,” Tabitha spoke gently. She wasn’t sure that lost wasn’t too strong a word, but she had already said it. “I mean, I love it here too, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my parents and my home.”

“But-” he waved his arms slightly, no longer holding himself. He must finally be warming up then. “No- I. No.”

“What?” she tilted her head, wondering what was going through his.

“It’s mean, I shouldn’t say it.”

“Remember, I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. That applies to everything you say.”

“Just… It seems like I kind of have it better right now? Like, the Northstars don’t always seem like it’s a good place for you? But Chaos Sauce. I mean, I love them. So it doesn’t make sense for me to be homesick like it does for you.”

“Well, that’s… fair, honestly,” Tabitha smirked and watched the way the fire threw dancing light onto the floor between them. “But Ilda’s actually pretty great, as long as she’s not just tailing Gareth. And even he has his moments. Besides, I’m still learning and growing. And sometimes I get a chance to hang out with you guys, and that’s always fun,” she smiled at him now; he was looking at her curiously.

“But seriously, Raz’ul, just because things are good for you right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t miss the old days. And missing your first home and family certainly doesn’t make you a bad person, even though you’ve found a new one.”

“I… guess so, yeah. It just makes me feel like I’m being ungrateful, or something.”

“You’re definitely not.”

“Thanks, Tabitha. I think I’m feeling a bit better now,” he smiled and it almost looked shy.

“That’s good!” she beamed at him in response.

There was a moment of silence where the two of them just sat, watching the dancing flames.

“Hey, do you have any siblings?”

“Hmm? No. Only child here. Why?”

“You just kind of seem like an older sibling. Like, you remind me of my oldest brother a bit? When he wasn’t playing some prank on me anyway.”

“Okay,” she wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that. “Is- is that a good thing?”

“Yeah,” Raz’ul smirked quietly at her concern before smiling serenely to himself. “My brothers are what I miss most. They’re great.”

“Well, thanks, I guess. For the comparison.”

“Mmm,” Raz’ul just hummed and nodded. 

There was another moment of silence between them, this time broken by Tabitha. “Are you ready to head back to your room yet? They’re probably wondering where you are.”

“Just a few more minutes, I think.”

 

Raz’ul wasn’t missing.

But that didn’t mean it wasn’t a surprise when he walked through the door, wearing a scarf that wasn’t his, with Tabitha following behind giving a shy wave. 

And he wasn’t missing.


End file.
